I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
