why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
