I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
