I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
