is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
