My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I AM VODKA MAN
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
that is very illegal...i love you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
