At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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