Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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