Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
