ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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