You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
