GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
