Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
