Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize