Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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