found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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