I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
