I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
