There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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