shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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