I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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