i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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