Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
