I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
