I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
