Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
