he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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