I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
