My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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