I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
