Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
