Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
