i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't turn off my feet"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
