Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
