I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
