her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
