I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Is Oprah even human
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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