Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
