you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
