not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
