Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
