just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
