i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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