So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
