this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
