genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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