True but thats because hes a fetus.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
