dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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