Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
