I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
