He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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