im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
