just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
