Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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