Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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