I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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