How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
